My child takes forever to fall asleep: the real reasons

They have been in bed for forty minutes. You turned the light off, gave the cuddle, sang the song. And still they are calling out. They are thirsty, they are hot, they heard a noise, they want one last kiss. You walk back down the landing for the fifth time, a little frayed, wondering why it is so complicated in your house.

First, take a breath: a child who takes a while to fall asleep is very common, and you are not the problem. Most of the time there is a simple reason behind it, a reason you can understand and act on. It is not a strop, and it is not a “difficult” child.

In this article we look at how long it normally takes to fall asleep, the real causes of a bedtime that drags on, the well known circle of “too tired to get to sleep”, and simple things you can do so evenings feel gentle again. And if it really does go on, we also tell you when to talk to a doctor about it.

How long is normal for falling asleep?

Many parents imagine that a child should fall asleep in five minutes, as soon as their head touches the pillow. In reality it does not work like that. The body needs a little time to slide into sleep, rather like a car slowing down before it stops.

For a child, anywhere between 15 and 30 minutes is perfectly usual. Some evenings it is shorter, other evenings a little longer, especially after a big day. What should alert you is not ten minutes of wriggling, but a bedtime that lasts a very long time, almost every evening, with a child who is worked up or in tears.

So before you worry, actually look at the clock, over several evenings. Sometimes it feels as though “it takes an hour”, when in reality they are asleep after twenty minutes. And sometimes, yes, it really is long, and then you look for why.

Put to bed too early or too late: the wrong time

This is the most common cause, and the easiest to put right. A child settles badly when they are put to bed outside their sleep window, that moment when their body is ready to sleep.

If they are put to bed too early, they are not sleepy yet. They find themselves in the dark with no tiredness, so they play, they call out, they ask for you. Nothing abnormal: their body simply is not ready.

If they are put to bed too late, it is sometimes worse. When a child goes past the moment they should have been asleep, they catch a “second wind”. Their body produces a burst of energy to keep going, and there they are, overexcited, laughing, jumping, unable to settle. You think they are not tired, when in fact they are too tired. The right guide is their signs of tiredness, which we talk about below.

The real causes of a bedtime that never ends

When a child takes a very long time to fall asleep, it is rarely a mystery. Most often one or two of these reasons are hiding behind it. Look at the ones that ring true for you.

• A nap that is too long or too late: they recovered in the late afternoon, so by the evening they are not sleepy enough.
• Screens before bed: the light and the excitement of a cartoon or a game keep the brain awake for a long while.
• A bedroom that is too stimulating: too much light, too many toys within reach, a room that is too warm or too noisy.
• A little hunger or thirst: a rumbling tummy, and there they are calling you back for one last glass of water.
• Too many emotions: an argument, a big burst of joy, a worry from school, a fear of the dark. The day carries on turning over in their head.
• An uncomfortable bed or position: a scratchy duvet, pyjamas that are too warm, a head that sits badly and that they cannot settle.

The “too tired to sleep” trap

Here is an idea that surprises a lot of parents: a child can be so tired that they can no longer fall asleep. It sounds back to front, and yet it is very real.

When you miss the right moment and put them to bed too late, their body switches into “survival” mode. They wind themselves up to stay on their feet, like a little engine racing. The result, in bed, is that they turn over, they cry, they get up again, they take an age to calm down. The next day they are grumpy, you put them to bed a little later still “because they did not look tired”, and the circle carries on.

The good news is that this circle can be broken. Often it is enough to bring bedtime forward by fifteen to twenty minutes, very gently, over several evenings, to land back on their real sleep window. A child put to bed at the right moment falls asleep almost effortlessly.

Spotting their sleep window: the signs of tiredness

Every child has a moment when their body says “it is time”. If you put them to bed exactly then, falling asleep becomes easy. The secret is learning to read these small signs, before they tip over into the second wind.

They are often very simple once you know them.

• They rub their eyes, pull at their ears or their hair.
• They yawn, their gaze goes a little blank, less lively.
• They slow down, they settle, they ask for a cuddle or their comforter.
• The other way round, they become very excited, restless, noisier than usual: at that point the window is starting to pass.
• They cry over nothing, they take offence quickly: the body is at the end of its tether.

The simple things that really help

Good news: a few very simple habits are often enough to shorten bedtime. Nothing complicated, nothing expensive. You set up the calm, and sleep comes more quickly.

Many parents tell us that these small changes, kept up for a few days, transform the mood of the evening.

And what about comfort in bed in all this?

We rarely think about it, but a child who is not comfortably settled spends part of bedtime looking for their position. They turn over, they pull the duvet up, they push their pillow away, they turn again. That little routine is sometimes twenty minutes lost before sleep.

Often it is not them that is the trouble, nor their bed: it is their adult pillow, too big and too soft for their small neck. A head that sinks in, or that slides sideways all night, is not comfortable. A pillow in their size, flatter, keeps the head well supported and the neck in a more natural line.

A pillow does not send a child to sleep on its own, and it is only one element among others, after the bedtime hour and the evening ritual. But when the head is properly supported from the start, many parents tell us that their child settles more quickly, hunts less for their position, and grumbles less before closing their eyes.

When it can be hiding something else

Most of the time, a bedtime that drags is sorted out with the right hour and a little calm. But sometimes a discomfort is hiding underneath. A blocked nose that makes it hard to breathe lying down, a small pain, a fear of the dark that is stronger than usual, or an anxiety that comes back every evening.

If your child has been taking a very long time to fall asleep almost every night for several weeks, despite a good bedtime and a calm ritual, or if they seem genuinely anxious at the moment of going to sleep, it is not for a blog article to decide. Talk to your doctor or your paediatrician, calmly. They know your child and will know how to help, so that you are not left alone with your questions.

Frequently asked questions

How long does a child normally take to fall asleep?

Between 15 and 30 minutes is perfectly normal. The body needs a little time to slide into sleep. What should catch your attention is a very long bedtime almost every evening, with a child who is worked up or in tears, not ten minutes of wriggling.

My child keeps getting up and asking for water, what should I do?

These little requests are often a way of pushing bedtime back, especially if they are not really sleepy yet or if they are too excited. Offer a glass of water and one last cuddle as part of the ritual, then hold the boundary gently. Also check the bedtime hour: it may be a little too early or too late.

Why does my child get wound up instead of falling asleep when they are tired?

Because they have gone past the right moment. When a child is put to bed too late, their body catches a second wind and starts winding up to stay on their feet. The result is that they can no longer settle. Bringing bedtime forward by fifteen to twenty minutes, over several evenings, often helps a great deal.

Should the nap be dropped so they fall asleep faster in the evening?

Not necessarily. A nap is still useful for many children. The trouble mainly comes from a nap that is too long or too late in the afternoon. Try keeping it shorter and earlier in the day before removing it altogether.

When should you talk to a doctor about it?

If your child has been taking a very long time to fall asleep almost every night for several weeks, despite a good bedtime and a calm ritual, or if they seem genuinely anxious at the moment of going to sleep. A nose that is often blocked, or a discomfort that keeps coming back, also deserve an opinion. Your doctor will know how to look and reassure you.