My child wakes up several times a night: why, and what to do

It is three o’clock in the morning. You hear little footsteps in the hallway, then a very soft voice next to your bed. Your child has woken up, again, and they have come to find you. You put them back to bed, you sigh, and two hours later it starts all over again. If this sounds like you, know that you are not alone. A child who wakes up several times a night is one of the most common things there is, in toddlers as much as in older children.

The good news is that in the vast majority of cases, it is nothing serious. A child’s sleep happens in cycles, and between two cycles there is always a brief moment of waking. Most of the time, the child falls back asleep on their own without even remembering it. Sometimes they really do wake up, and then they need a helping hand to get back into sleep.

In this article, we explain simply why your child wakes up at night, what the most common causes are, and above all which gentle steps help them fall back asleep without the whole house being up. We also talk about comfort and the position of their head, and about the rare cases where it is better to have a word with your doctor.

Waking up at night is normal (even for us)

Let us start with something that reassures a lot of parents. Sleep is not one long smooth tunnel from evening to morning. It is a series of cycles that follow on from one another. At the end of each cycle, the body comes back up very close to waking, before dropping into the next cycle. It happens to us too, several times a night, without our noticing.

In a child, these micro wakings are even more numerous, because their cycles are shorter than ours. The difference is that a child does not always know how to fall back asleep on their own. We turn over and drop off again without thinking about it. They sometimes open their eyes, look for a familiar marker, and if they do not find it, they call you.

That is why a child who wakes up does not necessarily have a sleep problem. Often they actually know very well how to sleep, but they have not yet learned to fall back asleep on their own in the middle of the night. And that is something that is learned, very gradually, without forcing it.

The most common causes of night wakings

When a child wakes up and cannot get going again, there is often a small, very concrete reason behind it. Most of them are easy to spot and to sort out. Before looking for something complicated, we start with the very simple causes, the ones that come up in almost every family.

• A bit of hunger or thirst: a rumbling tummy or a dry mouth are enough to wake them.
• A full nappy, or needing a wee for older children.
• A bedroom that is too warm or too cold, a duvet pushed into a ball at the foot of the bed.
• A noise, a light, a brother or sister moving about next to them.
• A blocked nose from a cold, which gets in the way of breathing and breaks up sleep.
• An uncomfortable position, a badly placed head, a neck twisted against the pillow.
• A small upset or separation anxiety, especially during times of change.

Separation anxiety, when they do not want to stay alone

There are times when your child wakes up not because of their body, but because of their heart. They open their eyes in the dark, they cannot see you, and they need to check that you are still there. This is what is called separation anxiety. It is very common, it often comes back around two or three years old, then at other moments as they grow up.

It is not a whim, and it is not a sign that you are doing things wrong either. It is simply a stage. Your child is learning bit by bit that they can be apart from you for a whole night without that being a danger. Your role is to reassure them calmly, without overdoing it, so that they understand that the night is a safe time.

A comforter, a soft night light, a little phrase that is always the same at bedtime help a great deal. These familiar markers become their anchors at night. When they wake up and find them again, they feel safe, and they slip back into sleep more easily.

The three in the morning scene in the parents’ bed

This is probably the best known scene in every family. In the middle of the night, the little figure turns up, climbs into your bed, settles against you, and falls asleep again in a second. You spend the rest of the night on the edge of the mattress, with a foot in your back. If this happens to you, you are in very good company.

Having them join you in your bed now and then is nothing serious. The problem is when it becomes every night and nobody is really sleeping well. The aim is not to push them away harshly, but to help them understand, gently, that their own bed is a calm, safe place where they can stay until morning.

The idea that works best is gentleness and consistency. You walk them back to their room calmly, with as little noise and light as possible, you put them back to bed, you say your little phrase to them again, and you leave. It can take several nights, sometimes more. That is not a problem. A child needs repetition in order to learn, and they get there in the end.

Simple things that help them fall back asleep on their own

Apart from the cases that call for a doctor, there are very simple things that often help your child get back into sleep without spending an hour on it. They are not magic recipes, just gentle habits that set the scene for a calm night. You can pick out the ones that speak to you and see what suits your child.

Comfort and the position of the head during the night

It is rarely thought about, and yet it is a cause of waking that many parents discover late. A child who sleeps in an uncomfortable position ends up waking up. A twisted neck, a head sunk too deep into a big pillow, a neck folded to one side, and the body sends a small signal that pulls them out of sleep. In the morning, they sometimes complain that their neck feels odd.

Often it is not the child who sleeps badly, nor their bed: it is their adult pillow, too big and too soft for their small neck. A child’s head is light and their neck is short. On a big pillow designed for an adult, the head tips forward or leans over all night, and that uncomfortable position can wake them.

A pillow at their size, flatter, at the right height for their small neck, keeps their head and neck in a more natural line. Many parents tell us that with a suitable pillow, their child seems to move less and sleep more calmly. We promise you nothing more than that, comfort, for a well placed head. And a well placed head is one less reason to wake up.

When to talk to your doctor about it

Most night wakings are ordinary and pass on their own with time and a little gentleness. But there are a few signs that deserve the opinion of a doctor or a paediatrician. We set them out clearly, without dramatising. The point is simply that you know when to ask for help.

If you recognise one or more of these signs, make an appointment. It is not for a pillow or a home tip to sort this out, and a professional who examines your child will reassure you far better than an article.

• Your child is very tired during the day, grumpy, or falls asleep at unusual times.
• They snore loudly almost every night, even without a cold, and have done for several weeks.
• You notice pauses in their breathing during sleep, followed by a noisy restart.
• The wakings are very frequent, they settle in over time, and nothing seems to help.
• You feel, as a parent, that something is not right with their sleep.